Not Supposed To Love You
by Saymorian
Summary: A Merlin/Morgana songfic after series 3. On a rainy night both Merlin and Morgana ponder their lingering feelings. Angst.


Not supposed to love you.

**A Merlin/Morgana songfic after series 3. On a rainy night both Merlin and Morgana ponder their lingering feelings. Angst.**

**AN: Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything...**

**I own nothing. Not the show characters or the song.**

**I was listening to this song the other day and this idea just came out of no-where, I think it fits. It's raining outside at the moment so the weather is helping me write this... sort of. Lines in italics are the lyrics.**

**Morgana OOC? You tell me.**

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She wakes abruptly, the nightmares shaking her from sleep once more. Sitting up in bed she looks around at the silent room, her heart hoping for the one she can never again have.

Merlin.

His name tastes bitter on her tongue now. She sighs mournfully and throws off the blankets; she knows that sleep will not come to her now. The stone floor of her chamber is cold against her foot yet she hardly notices it as she crosses the room and steps out onto the small balcony. It is raining and before long she is dripping, but the cold is only a distraction from the pain in her heart.

Standing alone in Morgause's fortress she looks towards Camelot, a single testament to her heartbreak making its lonely way down her pale face.

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In Camelot a young warlock is also restless, thinking about the one he lost. Looking out into the rain lashing at the window, as though it is angry at the castle or those inside.

_We agreed that it was over  
>Now the lines have all been drawn<em>

He remembers their agreement, it had been a few weeks after the almost death of her half-sister. They had met a final time in a forest that had once belonged to Cenred.

"We can't do this anymore Merlin," her voice had been a mere whisper

"I know, you have chosen your way, and I mine." He had felt as though he had something caught in his throat as he tried to speak.

She had pressed a chaste kiss to his mouth, a silent good-bye, and then had walked away. He went back behind his line, she behind hers.

_The vows we made  
>Began to fade<br>But now they're gone_

A bitter smile twists his lips at the promise she had once made him, that she would marry him as soon as Uther died. _Arthur won't mind that you have no noble blood._ He supposed he should have known it was too good to be true. The divisions between them had begun to show before the sleeping enchantment. She had stopped opening her heart to him. Eventually they had stopped talking at all.

_Put your pictures in a shoebox  
>And my gold ring in a drawer<em>

Once Morgause had taken her, Merlin had packed away everything that reminded her of him, pieces of paper where they would practice magic together, letters carried through Gaius when Uther went through protective phases while trying to find her a husband.

And the ring she had once given to him. _A promise ring_ her voice whispers through his mind.

It all resided in a small box concealed under a loose floorboard of his bedroom, gathering dust.

_I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

They were supposed to be enemies now.

_Now, Sherry says she's jealous_  
><em>Of this freedom that I've found<em>

Gaius told him that she had been jealous of his entwined destiny with Arthur, and the fact that he accepted that he had to hide his magic, whereas she hated lying to everyone, she wanted to be recognised for what she was.

_If she were me  
>She would be<br>Out on the town_

The old mentor had said that if she had his immense power then she would have taken Camelot from the father who had lied to her.

_And she says she can't imagine  
>What on earth I'm waitin' for<em>

Morgana had once asked why he didn't just take Camelot for himself. _What are you waiting for? _That had been after her return to Camelot, as a changed woman.

o0o0o0o0o

_I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

She was supposed to want him dead.

_Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where_  
><em>And how you are<em>

Standing in the rain she couldn't help herself, she couldn't help but wonder, was he in Camelot still? And how was he?

She berates her foolish heart for these thoughts but she cannot shake them off.

_But I can't hide  
>This hurt inside<br>My broken heart_

Another tear mingles with the rain on her skin. She didn't care that she wasn't supposed to think about him, she couldn't lie to herself. Her heart had never healed after he had poisoned her.

_I'm fightin' back emotions  
>That I've never fought before<em>

Morgana fought back the urge to sink to the floor and pour out her feelings in tears, it would not do for her sister to know she was still linked to an enemy. Back in Camelot she had never denied her feelings for him, but what choice did she have now?

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

She shouldn't still feel like this for him.

_Now I'm writin' you this letter_  
><em>And it's killin' me tonight<em>

Going back inside she goes to her desk and sits, pushing her wet curls from her face. She picks up her pen with shaking fingers and begins to write. 'I wish things could be different, I'm sorry for how things are between us but it cannot change...'

_That I agreed when you believed  
>It wasn't right<em>

They had said hadn't they? That there could be nothing between them anymore. But yet it felt like a knife through her heart that they had done so. Morgana stood and changed into daywear, she had to do something to shake the thoughts of him that kept coming back. Walking from her chambers, though her heart ached, she did not look back.

o0o0o0o0o

_And I couldn't sleep up on the bed_  
><em>So I'm down here on the floor<em>

Merlin hadn't been able to sleep on his bed, or his room. Getting past Gaius had been easy enough. Now he was in Morgana's old chambers. It looking like she hadn't been gone a day. The door clicked shut behind him and he stumbled backwards against it. Sinking to the floor he tried to deal with the emotions crashing through him.

_Where I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

Gaius said he'd get over her easily, but he had been very wrong.

_Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where_  
><em>And how you are<em>

He can't help it, though he knows he shouldn't

"Where are you Morgana?" his whisper fading into the silence of the room, he should have been able to stop wondering.

_But I can't hide  
>This hurt inside<br>__My broken heart_

He couldn't keep it inside, how much he hurt. How much he still hurt, even now. Broken though it was, his heart kept beating, for her.

_I'm fightin' back emotions  
>That I've never fought before<em>

Merlin fought the emotions, something he had never been used to. He fought back the tears.

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

He lost that fight. As the tears spilled the young warlock put his arms on his upraised knees and pressed his face into them. His shoulders shook as he cried for the woman he used to know, the one he still loved, though he knew he shouldn't.

_I'm fightin' back emotions_  
><em>That I've never fought before<em>

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

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**Thanks for reading :-) Sorry about all the angst...**

**S**


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